We All Have A Cross To Bear
by FaerieGlitter
Summary: A very humourous fic taking a unique look at Pansy ParkinsonCrabbe's life. Very Funny. OneShot. REVIEW!


-1We All Have a Cross to Bear

By FaerieGlitter

I woke up at about five, coz Vinnie was scratching himself and kept elbowing me, almost breaking my ribs! As he rolled over, farted, and went back to sleep, I lay awake thinking of what I could do to keep myself amused this week.

You see, Vinnie works heaps so most of the time, it's just me and Bub. Bub's okay when I'm really bored, but I hate spending all of my time acting like a mother, so I usually ditch her and find something else to do.

While I was thinking of all of the things I had to do on the upcoming Saturday, a thought struck my delicate, beautiful head…

"Vinnie… VINNIE!" I yelled into his ear hole, 'coz he wouldn't wake. He grunted at me, and snorted a couple of times.

"What you want?"

"I was just thinking about ALL of the stuff I have to do this weekend, and about running those kids around. Then, I remembered – Saturday's our tenth wedding anniversary, Vin!" I smiled. "Gawd!"

"Oh, and, uh, why did you wake me Pans?" He looked at me like I was stupid or something. "I'm going back to sleep." And with that, he was snoring again.

I was real cheesed off, so I went and grabbed our baby, Bub, and shook her awake. She started crying heaps, which is what I wanted her to do, and it was then that I marched back in and dumped her on Vinnie's chest, and headed for the kitchen to make breakfast for our other kids.

Just as I was finished dropping burnt bacon, oily fried eggs and sloppy toast onto three plates, they all came out of their bedrooms.

Ear-Liza, my snobby, bitchy daughter, stuck her nose up at the food I presented to her and her two brothers.

"Mother?"

"WHAT? Why do you always have to sound like you hate me or something?" God knows why she's so posh!

She sighed, and rolled her eyes. "It's bad enough that I have the choice of black eggs, rubbery toast and burnt swine," she said, like it was a BAD thing. "But might I ask that we drink the putrid tap water, as opposed to this- this-"

I looked at her like she was a moron. "Orange juice…" I offered.

"Ugh!" She looked like she was going to vomit!

"WHAT!" I screamed, really cheesed off yet again!

"Mother, it's brown!" she yelled back.

"That's what you get when Bub takes it outside and hides it behind the rock garden (pet cemetery) to rot in the sun for five weeks!"

She pushed it away, not looking real good.

"Are you sick, Ear-Liza? You look gross," I said politely.

She threw me a filthy look and said, in a dead quiet voice, "It is pronounced 'Eee- Liza', not 'EAR-Liza', Mother."

"I shall call you whatever I like," I said, walking around the table. "And you didn't answer me yet. Are you sick?"

I looked at my youngest son and gave him a good slap on the back of the head. "Uncross your eyes, André!"

"Sorry Mum," he said, smiling. God knows why he's so happy!

"No, Mother, I am NOT sick. However, because I intend to remain in optimum health, I shall refrain from eating this gourmet platter you have bestowed on each of us."

I took a while to figure out what the HELL she was on about, but when I finally did, she was already walking out the door, ready to go to her friend's house, or so she said.

"Like you HAVE any friends!" I shouted after her.

"Mum!" Andrew, Ear-Liza's twin, looked hurt.

"What? Are you feeling sick again?" I rolled my eyes. He was always sick! Ear-Liza said it was because my cooking is poisonous, but I think he's just a girl.

"No, I just don't think you should speak to her like that. I don't think-"

"That's right!" I interrupted. "You DON'T think!"

He looked like he was going to cry 'coz I shouted, so I pulled a mean face and told him to eat.

"It will put meat on your brittle bones, Andrew!"

Vinnie came out, sitting himself down on Ear-Liza's chair, helping himself to her breakfast. Bub came out of our room behind him, chewing on a shoe.

"Bub! Put that shoe DOWN!"

I was horrified, that shoe was expensive! I hauled her up onto a chair at the table, and the chair broke beneath her.

"Gawd, Vinnie! Bub broke ANOTHER chair! That's the seventeenth one!"

I was getting really mad now. This day just wasn't turning out real good. Andrew got up, his plate hardly touched and his juice glass full.

"What're you doing, Andrew?" I eyed him suspiciously, hoping he wasn't going to be sick on my carpet again. That'd mean I'd have to clean!

"I'm going. I have an appointment to keep," he quickly informed me.

"Oh, good," I sighed in relief. "I was getting upset thinking you were going to vomit again, and do you know how much work it takes to keep my nice expensive carpets white?" 

Andrew sneered, much like his twin sister, and said, "Come off it, Mum! All you have to do is pick up your wand, point it and say Scourgify!" He then turned around and took off out of my dining room.

The little smart-arse had got me there! I tried to get angry and shout an insult at him, too, but I couldn't be bothered wasting my breath on HIM. Instead, I just sat there, picking bits and pieces off Andrew's plate.

"Gawd!" I choked. "This stuff is terrible!"

Vinnie was finished Ear-Liza's plate, and had snatched Andrew's from beneath me, wolfing it down too. I was starting to get real depressed, I was. Vinnie had a game of Quidditch to play today, so I couldn't get him to take the kids while I shopped. I stood up, dragging André behind me.

"I'm going to my mum's, Vin," I announced. "André, pick up your sister. Mummy's already held her twice, and I don't think my poor biceps can handle three times at this hour of the morning."

André, being the obedient little sod that he is, picked up Bub and walked over to the fireplace.

"ANDRÉ!" I shouted. "We don't go out in our pajama's, do we! Remember, we HAD this discussion after seeing Mr. Longbottom in the street?"

He stepped out of the fireplace and smiled, cross-eyed.

"Sorry Mum," he said, as I pointed my wand and dressed him.

"That's better. Let's go children. Vincent," I said, in what I hoped was a mean kind of voice. "I have already warned you once; DO NOT forget our anniversary this Saturday. You'd better buy me a present!"

"Yeah, I will." He didn't sound convincing enough, so I told André to wait while I yelled at his father a bit.

After I finished, Vinnie was red in the face and I think I got my message across – remember, or die!

When I got to my parents house, my siblings were all there, having what appeared to be a party that I was NOT invited to, or at least, if I was, Bub had eaten the invite! My family is real posh like that – you get a proper invitation when they have a 'do'. It was still breakfast time, though…

"GAWD!" I yelled. "What's happening here?"

Everyone looked real posh.

"Paaaaansy," my mother shrieked. "Don't you remember what today is?"

"No, what?" I smiled, realizing it was brekky time, and everyone was real dressed up. Maybe it was a SURPRISE party, for ME!

"Paaans," my sister Hyacinth asked. "What were you doing ten years ago today, darl?"

The rest of my family laughed. I racked my brain and thought out loud…

"It was the first week of summer… I was getting ready to get married! Me and Hippeastrum was trying on dresses all week, 'coz Hyacinth already chose hers… and I had to get Hippeastrum to charm my face for my wedding," I scowled at my third sister, Gardenia, here. "… because Gardeeenia had punched me right in the face 'coz I wouldn't let her be in the wedding party 'coz she was too ugly."

Mum looked real queer, like she was holding in a real big fart, or something.

"Paaansy," Hippeastrum said. "Remember, you're the oldest out of all seven of us, so YOU was the first of us to get hitched?"

"Yeah," I said, thinking that maybe she was standing too close to André and his dumbness was rubbing off on her?

"All us kids said that every time one of us gets married, we'd do it in the first week of summer, like a tradition or something!" my brother, Leaf, smiled.

"Yeah, I KNOW that!" I said, real huffy-like 'coz they all seemed to know something I didn't! Dad came out of his room wearing black wedding robes.

"GAWD, Daddy," I screeched. "What're you doing dressed up like that!"

Dad looked real funny in the face, like mum. He said, "Paaansy, don't you remember what today IS?"

I was getting real worked up now! "GAAAAWD! NO, I bloody well don't!"

Gardenia got up and punched me, right in the face, before tackling me.

"You ugly troll!" she yelled. "I'm getting MARRIED today!"

"Since when?" I casually asked.

"I sent an invitation out MONTHS ago, AND I sent a reminder to you last week!" She was as red in the face as Vin was earlier.

"Oh," I said. "I remember getting two letters from you, but I never read anything you send me, so I just chucked them out."

…after my siblings and mother dragged the so-called Bride-to-be OFF my throat, I sat up and slapped André for laughing.

"Uncross your eyes, and DON'T let Bub pick your nose!"

I saw dad sitting in the chair, watching my sister get calmed down with some heavy-duty calming potion.

"Gawd, Dad!" I screamed. "Nice of you to help the others get Gardee off me!"

"No, why should I have? I'd 'ave wrecked my good robes!" he said, looking at Gardee like she was some bum off the street, which I thought she WAS most of the time.

"Well, let's have this 'sham-pag-nee' breakfast, then," said Leaf.

"Any excuse to get drunk at this hour of the morning, Leafy," said Hyacinth, popping the cork on the real posh bottle of 'sham-pag-nee' bottle, while Hippeastrum charmed the bruises off my face and throat.

So, anyway, I ended up attending a wedding with André and Bub, which was an interesting way to spend my day!

It was real official and posh-like at the wedding, and instead of just asking Dad's 'ok' if he wanted to 'give her away' (who wouldn't?) They ended up asking ALL FOUR parents! Mum looked dead proud when the Clergywizard said her name out loud in front of everyone!

"Do you, Marigold Petal, and do you, Chad Horace, give permission for Gardenia Daisy to be given away to ol' what's-his-name…" Okay, so I filled that last bit in myself, 'coz I wasn't listening by that stage, 'coz I was getting bored. Plus, André and Bub were getting hungry, so I went to the place that the wedding reception was being held at, and sat at the bar, flirting with all the bartenders.

I was right sizzled when the rest of them turned up after lunch, and didn't even remember why I was there! The food was all paid for by the new husband's family, so I stole heaps to take doggy-bags home for everybody.

When I got home that night, me and André was REAL proud to tell everyone what we did, and why we was going to be eating real good food for a week or two, or until the food ran out. Knowing Bub, it could even be tomorrow!

"Tell them how good it was, André."

"Real good!"

"And tell them how ugly your Aunty Gardenia looked!"

"Real ugly!"

And, so, we told everyone how the day went, and how Gardenia caught me flirting with her new husband later on, and ended up punching me again.

"Oh, really, Mother, "Ear-Liza shuddered. "How tacky!"

Andrew smirked, so I took his nice food away and slapped his blonde head.

"Do NOT take your anger out on HIM, when it is ME who incited it!" Ear-Liza shouted.

"Shut up," I yelled back. "I hate it when you don't speak proper English!"

Ear-Liza rolled her stupid blue eyes, like usual, and pushed her plate to Andrew, who began sharing her food.

"Don't be naughty, kids! Just for that, you get no dessert!"

"Mother, we are FOURTEEN, not FOUR!" Ear-Liza bellowed, and stormed off.

Andrew finished the rest of the plate, glared at me, and went to his room too.  
I continued to eat, watching Vinnie and Bub's competition to try to out-eat each other, and sighed. I hate those brats!

(when Vincent and Pansy were 16 years old, at Hogwarts)

Vinnie came up to me in the Common Room, looking real upset. I thought he might have still been a bit put-out by the fact the stupid Quidditch Captain made him and Greggy Goyle go on diets the month before. But no, he was sad because Snape fixed the bedrooms.

See, what happened was, the dungeons where our Common Room and dormitories are weren't split into two sections – boys and girls – like the other three houses. Old Salazar Slytherin himself made it a rule! So all our bedrooms were mixed up, and the boys in our year had the bedroom next to us.

One day, me and the girls was sitting on our beds, doing the usual girly things to make us pretty, like plucking eyebrows, plucking nose hairs, shaving our armpits, and Millie Bulstrode was in the middle of plucking all of her nipple hairs out, when all of a sudden, one of our walls in the bedroom just disappeared! Turns out, after the smoke went away and we were face to face with Vinnie, Greggy, Theo, Blaise and Drakie-poo, that they was messing around with a stupid potion book, and made some stinking concoction, what made the wall just VANISH! We was overjoyed, apart from the vile odour… but if you've ever smelled Vinnie after a Quidditch match, you'll know that any potion smell can't be as bad as THAT!

So, we just kept it like that, swapping beds and everything! Which would have been fine, IF Vincent Wolfgang Walter Crabbe hadn't said he knew a contraceptive charm, when really what he recited was a bloody FERTITILTY charm! So, naturally, instead of just falling pregnant to Vinnie with ONE baby, I was carrying quintuplets for a while there. A couple of them died, and I was left with just two. I still curse Draco Malfoy to this day for telling Vinnie the wrong charm!

So then, Vin was excited about us shacking up with our littlies, until Snape found out I was expecting twintuplets, and decided to investigate our bedding arrangements, and found the big pink and red sign above my bed, saying, "Vinnie & Pansy's Love Nest – F Off!" He not only put the wall back up in the rooms, but he also confiscated our sexy sign, too! Wish he'd fixed up the broccoli/egg smelling farty stench that came from the potion, but he left it there, saying it was our comeuppance for being naughty.

We ended up having old man Dumbledore hide my big fat baby gut while I finished my pregnancy so the other kids wouldn't hassle me. I asked if he could hide Vinnie's fat gut too, but the stupid old fool laughed at me! So, I was real damn sexy all nine of those months.

We ended up having twins, not twintuplets, and Dumbledore gave me a private room in the dungeons for the rest of my Hogwarts days, with three of the schools house elves taking care of the kids by day, and I'd just let all the girls go ga-ga and take care of them at night for me. Saved me the hard work!

And so, when they was one year old, Dumbledore gave them a spare classroom, and my little Ear-Liza Clarice and Andrew Walter was receiving a right proper education from some of the part-time staff Dumbledore keeps around the castle. Except, might I add, for that scungy lookin' Filch, 'coz I said I didn't want them kiddies catching any of his gross germs. Plus, he looks like a cross between a stinky old pervert, and an axe-murderer.

Maybe that's why my twins are so smart – 'coz they've been going to school for so long now? They learned all sorts of magic that even I didn't know, and they were only TWO years old when I left school!

But anyway, I told Vinnie that the twins, being blonde, didn't look like either of us, so we realized Vin mustn't have been their father after all, but he said he's like to pretend he was anyway.

We graduated Hoggies when the twins was two, and then decided to try for a baby of our very own! Two years later, Vinnie was getting real upset that nothing was happening, so I went to a Quidditch World Cup game, got completely drunk, and a few weeks later found out that my plans had worked – I was pregnant! Vin was ecstatic, especially when I told him I was too drunk to remember who exactly the father was!

"So, we can just forget that it happened, Pans, and this baby can be OUR special one?" he grinned.

"Gawd, Vin, I let you name Andrew! Don't you remember? I said that if you wanted to feel closer to the twins, I'll name one and you name the other! And you did," I stated, quite correctly.

"Yeah, I did," Vinnie said, feeling much happier.

"Yes, you named him your FAVOURITE boy's name – Andrew Walter!"

But, just to appease his sensitive nature, I said he could also name Baby-2.

Vin did something real romantical half way through the pregnancy – he pulled a box out of his robes, and said, "Pans, if I weren't so, uhh, big boned, I'd kneel, but I'll break something if I do…" He blushed, or maybe he was out of breath, 'coz that was the biggest sentence I'd heard him speak, ever!

"Will you marry me, please, Pans!"

"GAWD, VINNIE! How cute!" I paused. "Show us the ring, then!"

Vin smirked, feeling real sure of himself now he was betrothed.

"Here," he said, throwing me the box.

Inside, there was this great big chunky orange stone in a silver claw. The stone was massive, about the size of a snitch!

"Where'd you get this?" I shrieked. "It's gorgeous!"

"Some stupid old woman bought it and left it at the jewelers on the bench, so I stole it!" he said proudly.

My eyes were wide open, a big grin over my face. "Vin! You're so clever! Now we don't have to buy one!"

Vin was so happy, and we had a feast that night in celebration. He invited his mum, dad and sister, while I got to invite mum, dad, and my brothers Leaf, Aphid and Compost, and my sisters Hyacinth and Hippeastrum. In the middle of the celebrations, Mum asked me how come Gardenia weren't invited.

I dropped my fork loudly, laughed and said, "Shit! I forgot about her! Gawd, someone better send her an owl!"

Mum and Dad were real cheesed off at me for forgetting her, but I couldn't see why; everyone makes mistakes… and what's wrong with forgetting Gardenia? She's not very memorable!

Later on that year, our little son André was born. He had really dark eyes and really dark hair, and he was a big bub, too! Vin was real proud.

We had the normal lives of people of our class. Vinnie worked for Borgins & Burkes, doing little jobs here and there. He always had some interesting knickknacks to bring home. Pretty soon, though, Ear-Liza got too damned smart for her own good and stopped doing ANYTHING, be it eat, sleep, bathe or sit, without checking first! She got hexed one too many times, and threatened legal action against us! Little Andrew got hexed too. Poor little bugger! I told him not to get too upset about the test results, 'coz he didn't want any children, anyway! "They are all pests," I told him. He still looked real angry, but!

André was never actually hexed by any of the stuff Vinnie brought home. Thank God for that! You see, when André was eight years old, I'd just had our fourth child, Bub. Me and Vinnie were talking about the kids, and what they all looked like now that they was older. The twins were twelve, and looked strange. Ear-Liza had a dead posh accent, and walked straight, with her long hair always brushed. Andrew weren't much better! He had a funny accent, too, and people said it was the 'thing' these days for guys to have dress sense, which was good, 'coz I thought he was a raging poofter for a while there! Plus, both the twins are smart, which is strange! But then we started talking about André.

"Vinnie, how come André looks so weird?"

"What do ya mean?" He looked perplexed, which is usual for him when he's thinking.

"Well, he's got such dark hair, plus, he's big and beefy with muscles, instead of just having blubber, like you…"

Vinnie got that constipated look again, thinking hard on that.

"…and he has weird eyes. And those TEETH!"

Vinnie laughed, feeling very happy that for once in his life, he had something better than someone else!

"Yeah," he said, calming down. "He looks goofy!"

"He doesn't even look like me!" I scowled.

Vinnie tried to think of something to say, but gave up. I kept talking, and halfway through my ranting, I realized that Vinnie wasn't even listening!

"GAWD!" I screamed. "VINNIE? Are you even listening to me? I'm saying something important!"

Vinnie came back to his senses then, which I never thought possible!

"Sorry, Pans! I was thinking…"

I gave him my meanest look, then he looked sorry enough for me to continue.

"I was saying," I snarled, just so he kept listening and didn't drift off again. "That I think lately he's starting to look a bit like Marcus Flint, you remember him from school? And then he went on to-"

"I know who he is, Pansy!" Vinnie scowled.

"Alright, well, what do you think then? He looks like him, doesn't he? Do you think that maybe I slept with Marcus Flint?"

"I dunno! How am I supposed to know who you slept with eight years ago?"

He had a point, I guess.

"Well, maybe I should ask him? I don't remember if I did or not, so maybe I SHOULD ask him!" I was excited by my brain-wave!

"Yeah, good idea." Vinnie was trailing off again.

"I'll have to arrange an appointment with him, being as how he's so important and all!"

I was really excited now. Marcus is one of the English Quidditch Team chasers, so it'd be like meeting a celebrity! Well, close enough, anyway!

Vinnie brightened up. "Bub looks like ME, doesn't she?"

"Yeah, I s'pose," I mumbled, searching through the latest QT monthly magazine.

"Considering she's not even mine, people always say how mu-"

"Here he is," I said, scanning the English team's roster for the month.

"Huh? Oh, well like I was sayin', I took Bub with me to the shop, and the ladies there kept on about how she'll be the spittin' image of me, and-"

I grabbed my bag, running around to pick up a few things Bub had taken out and tried to chew on.

"I'll be back later, Vinnie. I'm just going to see him now, okay," I said over my shoulder.

When I briefly saw his face as I Apparated out of there, he looked a bit upset…

"Marcus!"

The big beefy bodyguard wouldn't let me go into the function room of the posh Scottish Hotel they were staying at, The Kilton. I made one last attempt to push past him.

"I'll only be a minute!"

He grabbed me by the shoulders and spun me around, slapping my backside as I tumbled with the force.

"Gawd! I think you just love doing THAT, and you've got no REAL reason NOT to let me in!" I scowled.

"Let her in," a voice from behind the bodyguard said.

I wanted to show the bodyguard that I was NOT some crazy nutcase who'd just wandered in off the street, and that I KNEW Marcus, so I lunged at him and threw my arms around his neck, like some long-lost mate!

Apparently, the bodyguard took this movement as a serious threat to Marcus's safety, or so Marcus told me when I recovered from about 17 different immobilising hexes! Finally, we sat down and Marcus bought me a drink.

"So, what is it, Parkinson?" He looked bored.

"Do you remember about 8 years ago, when the Malfoy's had that huge Christmas party and everyone was there?"

He thought back. "Oh yeah, I do. Why's that?"

"Well," I started. "I remember getting pretty drunk on some of that so-called 'punch' that was on the table!"

He was looking lost, so I kept on going.

"Did you get drunk?" I asked.

"Yes. I think the only one who DIDN'T get drunk that night was Saint Nick, himself," he laughed, with the memory.

"Yeah, it was a crazy night! I hardly remember a thing!" I said.

"Did you come here to reminisce?"

"No, I didn't. Well, not really. Do you remember having sex that night?" Such an innocent question, yet by the look on his face, you'd think I'd asked him to do a strip-tease for me!

"It's just that, I have a son, and he looks just like you!" I went on.

"So?" He just wasn't getting it!

"He REALLY does! I think maybe he's yours, I just don't remember being with you that night…"

He must have been cold, because he shivered.

"I DON'T think so, Parkinson, no." He rose. "If you'll excuse me-"

"Look," I said, getting a photo of André out of my bag and handing it over. He reluctantly took it, looked at it, and sat back down. He studied it for ages.

"Well? He looks like you, doesn't he?" I crossed my arms.

"Yeah, a bit." He sighed. "We CAN find out, you know."

"How?" I hadn't expected him to check, just to believe me unquestioningly!

"The Hall of Magical Records, they'd have a copy of his birth details, including Paternity details."

"Oh, well…" I tried to think of an excuse, but none came to mind.

Marcus let out a laugh. "Scared, Parkinson? Come on, we'll go together." He held out an arm. I took it, scowling.

A few seconds later, we'd Apparated, and were requesting to see the birth certificates. The lady behind the counter looked so star-struck at seeing a real, live Quidditch player that she handed over the big, blue folder. We took it and sat down, searching the documents.

"Give that here! You're looking in the wrong section!" He took the folder from me.

"When was he born?" he asked.

"About eight years ago." Marcus flipped through the pages.

"What date?"

"October the first."

"Right… and what's his name?"

"André Walter Crabbe," I said, all official-like and important.

"Okay, here it is…" he muttered, and started reeling off the details.

"Crabbe, André Walter. Baby of – Mother, Parkinson-Crabbe, Pansy Hazel," he raised his eyebrows and smirked at me. "Father – oh, SHIT!" He went pale.

"What? It isn't someone gross, is it?" I panicked.

Marcus looked almost sick. "Father – Flint, Marcus Graham."

"HA!" I jumped up, clapping and squealing. "Told you so!"

"Yeah, yeah, sit down!" He looked sour.

"Well," I said, smugly. "Congratulations, DADDY!"

"I didn't think it would be TRUE…" he said.

"Well, it is!" I was delighted! "My son has a famous Daddy! Do you want to meet him?"

"Uh, sure, I guess…" Before he'd finished his sentence, I'd interrupted. 

"How's tonight for you?"

"I'm busy tonight, can you manage-"

"Tomorrow night then? Sure can!" I smiled.

"No," he said crossly. "This weekend, I was going to say. I have two free days and then I leave for a tour."

"Oh, okay. Umm, before we go…" I smiled as sweetly as I could.

"What, you want money?" He reached into his pocket in his robes.

"GAWD!" I screamed, seeing all of the gold. "I wasn't actually GOING to ask for money, but seeing as how YOU'VE got so much…"

He laughed, and counted what he had. He frowned and said, "I've only got a thousand on me."

"What, Knuts? That's okay; just give me some of that gold I just saw!" My eyes drank up the sparkles greedily.

"No, Galleons!"

"A THOUSAND GALLEONS?" My eyes popped out of my head, and I nigh on wet myself with excitement!

"Yeah, here." He handed it over.

"Umm, I can't take it, no," I shook my head.

"Why not?" he frowned.

"No amount of money will make me kill my child," I said sadly.

"It's not 'hush money', it's to SPEND on him!" Marcus laughed.

"OH!" I cheered up at hearing this.

"I'll bring some more on the weekend."

"REALLY?" I'd hit the jackpot! If all it took to be rich was having babies of famous people… well… I WAS RICH!

"So, what did you want?" he asked me.

"Huh?" I mumbled, clutching my gold laden bag tightly to my chest.

"You said, just before the money, that you wanted something?"

"Oh yeah, I remember. I wanted to check who's the father of my other kids."

"How old are they?" He picked up the big blue folder again.

"Twelve. First check my son, his name is Andrew Walter Crabbe."

"André."

"No, ANDREW."

"You said his name was André!"

"That's YOUR son! I want to check the OTHER boy!" I scowled at his dumbness. THIS must be where André gets it from!

He laughed and looked at me like I was joking.

"Yes?" I said frostily. "And WHAT is so funny?"

"WHY did you name him that?" Tears of laughter were coming to his eyes.

"Vinnie likes the name Andrew Walter, and when he filled out André's birth certificate, Vinnie forgot that he'd already called our FIRST son Andrew Walter. He started crossing out the 'Andrew' bit, but the stupid woman taking the details thought it said 'André', so he got stuck with it," I explained.

I DON'T know what he found so amusing, but he laughed all the way to Andrew's details, where he started laughing even harder!

"Marcus!" I hissed. "You're making a bespectacle of yourself!"

"Pansy, a word of advice. Do NOT drink where there are males of breeding age about!"

"What do you mean?" I was getting sick of all of this!

"It says here, that on August the 9th, you had twins, fathered by PERCY WEASLEY!"

"GAWD! That's a dirty lie! I'VE NEVER SLEPT WITH A WEASEL!"

"That's good to know, love," said some man walking by us.

Marcus was laughing, and we were attracting a lot of attention, so I hauled my handbag over my shoulder and Apparated home to tell Vinnie the good news about our finances.

Ever since that day, Marcus gives me loads of money to spend on André. He really doesn't need too much more, so I started spending it on fresh food, and eventually, we saved up enough for a real posh house! Ear-Liza and Andrew were real happy; especially about the food! Andrew never fully recovered from all of his food poisonings, although he did make-up for all of the school-work that year in hospital fighting for his life made him miss! So, he's REAL happy about the fruit and vegetables on offer!

The day of mine and Vinnie's Anniversary arrived, and we had a real good day! Our maid, Sam, brought her husband along, Vaughan Feline, and it turns out I slept with him ages ago, too! Sam wasn't too happy with this information when I screamed it out over the dinner table. Looks like I NOW have to hire a new maid! My work is NEVER done!

We invited Marcus, too, but he said he had some important stuff to attend to. I saw him at the 6 Hilda's Pub when I was picking up some alcohol for the Anniversary party, though. He was drinking with a pretty red-head in the corner. He must have forgotten his important things to do. Haha! Idiot, he'll feel SO stupid when he remembers!

My Mum and Dad came, along with Leaf, Aphid, Compost, Hyacinth and Hippeastrum. I forgot Gardenia on purpose, this time!

Vinnie's mum and dad, Nina and Claude, came too, and Vinnie's big sister Claudia!

We all had a real good time! Because of my constant nagging, Vinnie didn't forget to buy me a present. He gave me a big, bright yellow ballet dress to wear to the party.

I stood up and made a little speech:

'To Vincent, the love of my life. You are my husband and I've gotten very used to you after all of these years. Nothing I could have bought today would express my feelings for you, so I have a sentence that will make you the happiest man alive…

I checked the records, and Bub IS yours!'

Everyone looked at me like I was strange, but Vinnie was so excited that he cried!

'And' my speech continued, 'in honour of this, because even after two years, we still haven't actually given Bub a real name yet, I'm going to let YOU choose her name, right now!'

Everyone clapped, even though you can't half tell that I was just saying all of this to make up for the fact that I forgot to buy him a present.

Vinnie gave it a thought, and stood up, announcing to the guests:

'I'm going to call her: Mary-Sue Pansy Hazel!'

That was real good of him! I'd have called her Heifer!

The End

Authors Note:

In The Hall of Magical Records  
Inside a Big Blue Folder,  
Pansy made a little change  
Which couldn't have been bolder!

Sneak a peek at Bub's page,  
The next time that you're bored…  
"Vincent" is written right over  
Bub's REAL father's name – 'Claude'!

GAWD! 


End file.
